Macavity Mad Cap

My housemate Joe has the most nicknames of any one I have ever met. It’s actually quite astounding how many different ways he can be referred to. Here’s a few of them:

Joe, Joe-joe, Jomo, Joey-j,

Jomosexual, Raging Bull of 331, 

Jomosapien, Littlest Queer, Joey Jizzum,

J-man, J-dog, Jizzum Mechanism,

Jozzle, Jazzle, Jizz Man, Jizzle,

Judas, Jut-bo, Jigga man, Vajizzle,

Jizz master 5000, Joja Beam

Joey Brown, Wiggles, Jazzy J, Quim, 

Joesephine, Jay, Moaning Myrtle, Moe Rutsum,

Spastic, Stinkyman, Stinkum Stunkem,

Joeseph Schnitzel, Schnitzel Berry, Cherry Jutsum.

For this cocktail you will need:

• 1 pint of Old Rosie
• 1 shot cognac
• 1 shot Armangac 

Instructions:

1. Pour Old Rosie into pint glass. Drink a bit. About a quarter should suffice. This is the warm up for the main act. If you go into an Apple Bastard from stone cold sober you’ll end up having nightmares about apples and grapes screaming in agony, which is less than desirable. 
2. Pour in cognac until glass is 7/8ths full.
3. Pour in armagnac until glas is brimming to the top.
4. Drink until sufficiently cunted.

Remember what the dormouse said …

“Once upon a time there were three little sisters and their names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie; and they lived at the bottom of a well …”

The dormouse never said “feed your head” I’ve taken all this acid based on lies.

You will pay Grace, you will pay.

Me and Andy Goddard made this for SUCRe (Sheffield University Comedy Revue). Enjoy.

(This is a review of Angela Carter’s The Bloody Chamber that I have posted on the Guardian website to enter a competition to get published in their books newsletter. You can read it on the Guardian here and find details of the competition here.)

Since becoming part of the A-Level syllabus, this is probably the first introduction to Angela Carter’s distinctive writing many will get - and what an introduction. In a volume of just 149 pages she manages to mesh bestiality, paedophilia, murder and necrophilia into these 10 tales based on popular fairy tales and folklore.

It begins with the titular story, a reinterpretation of Bluebeard set in the early 20th century. It tells of a woman who marries a rich but mysterious man who, like his fairy tale counterpart, has more than just skeletons in his closet. Echoing Eve and Pandora before her, the heroine is spurred on to discover his secrets, much to her horror.

The gothic sensibilities in this story reverberate throughout the book, summoning from the depths of the night an atmosphere the likes of Peter Cushing and Vincent Price would happily stalk unsuspecting virgins in. Carter uses this to explore the darker side of love and female sexuality, like in The Lady of the House of Love, where an anaemic vampire princess takes on the role of a distorted sleeping beauty, who in her slumber from romance feasts on young passers by.

This mixture of macabre and sexual reaches its peak in The Snow Child. Based on Snow White and little over a page long, this short burst of vivid imagery and bizzarre sex acts will leave you stunned. I had to re-read it immediately to make sure my eyes were not deceiving me.

But this collection isn’t all creatures of the night and Byronesque hauntings. Carter has an insaciable wit and humour which accompanies the gothic elements, offering respite from the gloom. Her comedic skill is best exemplified by Puss-in-Boots, a raunchy picaresque modelled on Chaucer’s The Miller’s Tale. The story’s eponymous hero attends to his master’s sexual urges, indeed his own, and puts the model of him in the Shrek franchise to shame.

Above all though, it is Carter’s language that makes this collection so irresistible. Reading any of her sentences is like having a rich and sumptuous merlot drizzled through your mind accompanied by the finest Belgian truffles imaginable. Scenes are painted exquisitely with a colourful palette of words which transport you to her vividly dark world and leave you begging for more.